Esteban’s Dining Experience Scale

I had three wonderful meals this week.  Two were home-cooked, one was at a small mom&pop Chinese restaurant, and all three were with wonderful friends.

All of these dining experiences were memorable because they each had their own unique mixtures of thoughtful food preparation, interesting conversation, and shared camaraderie.

During the last of these meals, we actually had a discussion of how we would rate the meal itself.  This led to some pondering of how I might develop my own, totally arbitrary and objective dining experience scale.

Thus, I deliver to you Esteban’s Dining Experience Scale!

I reserve the right to award any dining experience I have with whatever level I wish, but here is a general idea of what I have in mind.

The Positive Scale

1 Napkin – A meal I might cook for myself.  Frankly, it would be nothing special, hardly memorable, but not likely to make you sick.

 

2 Napkins – Something a bit better, probably at a restaurant.  A quick meal caught with a friend.  A hot dog at a football game.

 

3 Napkins – A meal I would remember and tell others about.  Any meal that ends with gelato or decent pie.  A special occasion, like a birthday or wedding reception or a meet-up with old friends.

 

4 Napkins – An outstanding meal!  Photos were taken, drinks were shared.  All were relaxed and no harsh words were exchanged.  These are the meals when the “good china” is brought out and people might dress up a bit.  People often come from afar for these meals.

 

4 Napkins + Wet Wipe – The pinnacle of the dining experience!  These are those experiences that you wish would never end.  They require bold culinary experimentation among friends you know won’t mind if it fails.  Gatherings of folks with whom you have shared many journeys.  These have that quality for which the phrase “je ne sais quoi” was coined.

The Negative Scale

Unfortunately, not all dining experiences come up to the basic 1 Napkin level of what I might prepare for myself.  We’ve all had them, haven’t we?

Here is my scale of progressively worse meal experiences:

1 Burnt Toast – This is a dining experience that meant well but didn’t live up to expectation.  The food might be edible but a bit cold, or over spiced.  The service might have been just “meh”.

2 Burnt Toast – These unfortunate meals are memorable because of some notable mishap.  The service is so bad that you dock the tip or complain to the management.  An argument among friends breaks out or someone imbibes too much in that “bad way.”

3 Burnt Toast – These meals are so bad that you end up with a serious belly ache.  A bad date that you walk away from in the middle of, or a restaurant that you flee from without paying.  Service so bad that you tell all your friends and create a new Twitter hashtag as a warning beacon for others.

4 Burnt Toast – Remember that one meal in Cuzco, Peru and the 8 hours of absolute misery that followed?  Or that other time in Peru when we had bad ceviche?  I’ll leave the rest to your imagination.  These experiences have their own special trauma so as to live on perpetuity.

I expect that I’ll be pretty liberal in my awarding of positive reports on meals that I share with friends.  All three of the meals that I had this week were at least 4 Napkins because of the people I was with.   Look for another posting on the most imaginative of these and the first awarding of the coveted 4 Napkins + Wet Wipe award!

You too can compete for this coveted award.  Of course it means you have to invite me over!

Do you have any special meal memories that have been evoked by this?  I’d love to hear them!

Move, Eat, Learn

The three videos below have really captivated my imagination.  If you haven’t seen them yet, you’re in for a treat.

It’s not so much the actual content of the videos that grabs my attention, so much as the idea behind them.  The joie de vivre, in other words.

As some of you may know, I work from home.  For me, it’s a real challenge.  Apparently, I’m more extroverted that I thought and there are days when I want to run around the house yelling and banging my head into the walls for lack of real human interaction.

These videos, and in a similar essence, this recent post by Matthew Warner, have me considering new possibilities, new and daring challenges.

Perhaps I should have entitled this entry “Faith, Hope, Courage.”

 

[vimeo http://vimeo.com/27246366]

 

[vimeo http://vimeo.com/27243869]

 

[vimeo http://vimeo.com/27244727]

 

Padre A’plas – Servant of God

Fr. Stanley Francis Rother

July 28, 2011 marks the 30th anniversary of the murder of Oklahoma priest Fr. Stanley Francis Rother.

A missionary priest, Fr. Rother was the pastor of the Parroquia de Santiago, in Santiago Atitlan, Guatemala when he was killed by men thought to be paramilitary hit-men of the government.

Below are links to where you can find the whole story, so I won’t recount it here.

I first learned about Fr. Rother in March 2000 when I accompanied a group of Newman Center students from the University of Tulsa on a spring break trip to Santiago Atitlan.

The Dioceses of Oklahoma operated  the parish in Santiago Atitlan as “Micatokla,” the Mision Catolica de Oklahoma, so it was a natural place for us to visit.  Through that visit and a dozen more, I came to admire Fr. Rother greatly and to feel a personal connection to him as a missionary.

The room where Fr. Rother was murdered, at one time a bedroom in the rectory, has been converted into a chapel and a memorial for him.   Through the years, the students and I have prayed there, attended Mass, and used it for quiet meditation, mere inches from the blood-stained walls and bullet-ridden floor.

That probably sounds a bit macabre, but it really isn’t. Because of Fr. Rother’s example of serving the people and defending them from the dangers of the time, the Church has deemed it worthy to open a cause for sainthood for Fr. Rother.  Someday I hope to hear that he has been declared Venerable or even Blessed.

Honestly, despite the tragedy that occurred in this room, it is one of the most peaceful and prayerful places in parish complex.

My good friend Mark Steichen and I, along with a contingent of other Oklahomans, attended the 25th anniversary observances in 2006.  It was an incredible experience, and proved to us the love and respect the people there have for Fr. Rother.

We were staying at a small office building 2 blocks from the parish, sleeping on the floor and cooking our own meals in a small kitchen.  At midnight on July 28th, we could hear singing coming from the church and from the rooftop of our building we saw that the church was open.

Late a night, dozens of people where in the church praying before the memorial to Fr. Rother built near the main entrance.  Catechists had gathered young and old around them and were teaching them the story of Fr. Rother, about his work with the people and his work for justice.

There is no doubt in the minds of the people there that Fr. Rother is a saint.

I understand that a large contingent from Oklahoma, as well as several bishops, are in Guatemala this week for this anniversary.  My heart is with them.  I would have loved to be there.

Note:  The people of Santiago Atitlan are members of the T’zutujil Maya and speak their own distinct dialect.  There is no equivalent name for Stanley, so they called him Padre Francisco (in Spanish) or Padre A’plas (the T’zutujil equivalent).

Here are a few links.  Spend a few moments learning about this faithful priest, loyal Oklahoman, and Servant of God.

There are better videos around, but this is the only one I could find online.

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5_kl-uD4inY]

My Close Encounter: STS-1

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I’m feeling a bit melancholy about the end of the US Space Shuttle Program.  Today, via the wonders of the internet, I witnessed the 135th and final launch of these awesome machines.

As I write this, Shuttle Atlantis is in orbit over the Earth, making its way to a docking with the International Space Station.

The photos you see above were taken by me on April 27, 1981,  just a few weeks after the completion of the first Shuttle mission, STS-1, by Shuttle Columbia.   It had landed at Edwards AFB in California and was being transferred back to Florida piggybacked on a NASA 747.

My college roommate at the time, Michael Ryan, and I had heard that the shuttle was going to make a stop at Tinker AFB just outside of Oklahoma City.  When we heard that it was going to be open to the public, we couldn’t resist seeing it.

We made a mad dash from Stillwater, OK, driving the 70 miles to Tinker, arriving just in time to see the shuttle/747 descending over the highway towards the runway.  Traffic for miles around came to a standstill and people got out of their cars to watch.

Eventually making it onto the Air Force base, we were allowed to view the shuttle from less than 100 yards away. I can’t imagine being allowed to do that today.

I have been captivated by the manned space program my whole life.  In the ’60s and 70’s, I was mesmerized by the Apollo program and vividly remember watching Neil Armstrong’s first steps on the moon, during Apollo 11.

For 30 years, the Shuttle program has waxed and waned in my attention, but I remember, almost painfully, where I was when I learned of the Challenger and Columbia disasters.

And so, yes, there’s melancholy to see this program end and I wonder if I’ll live long enough to see America continue its manned exploration of space.

Americans have always been curious explorers of the frontier.  It’s part of our definition and our genetics.  I worry about the cohesion of our national identity when we set this aside.

Oh, how I pray we remember to be pioneers.  I take hope from Commander Christopher Ferguson, who before the flight,  saluted all those who contributed over the years to the shuttle program.

“The shuttle is always going to be a reflection of what a great nation can do when it dares to be bold and commits to follow through,” he said. “We’re not ending the journey today … we’re completing a chapter of a journey that will never end.”

 

Lest We Forget …

On this Memorial Day, I wish to honor Harold W. Linihan, my mother’s cousin, who served in the US Army Air Corps. during World War II.

This morning, I attended the annual Memorial Day Mass at Tulsa’s Calvary Cemetery.  There were more than 400 people in attendance including a large number from Tulsa’s Vietnamese community.  The Mass was celebrated by Bishop Edward Slattery, who you can see in this (rather poor) photo.

Eleven members of my family are buried in this cemetery and it’s probably where I will someday be buried.    For the past several years, it’s been my habit to visit the cemetery with my aunt Joanne to place new flowers on the various family graves.

Next to my grandfather (Roy McKeever) is the grave of Harold Linihan who died on Christmas Eve 1943 while flying a mission aboard a B-24J Liberator, during service in China.

As I passed his grave, I was reminded that he was only 21 years old when he died.  Only twenty-one, and the circumstances of the war took him and so many other young men and women away to lonely places around the world.  And he, like so many others, did not return.

I honestly had not given much thought about Harold although I had visited his grave before, but I was inspired this day to find out what I could online and so perhaps give a little more life to his fleeting memory.

Here is what I’ve been able to determine so far, thanks to the wonders of the Internet.

  • Harold Linihan was my grandfather’s nephew and cousin to my mother Mary and my aunt Joanne.
  • According to the limited military records available online (without paying a fee to retrieve his official military records – something I may do someday), he is listed as being from Rogers County, Oklahoma.  This would put him in the Claremore area, NE of Tulsa.
  • His headstone lists some of the pertinent data that I started my search with.
  • He was born June 6, 1922 and died December 24, 1943
  • He was a 2nd Lieutenant in the 308th Army Air Force Bomb Group.
  • With a little more research, I was able to determine that he was part of the 374th Bombardment Squadron and part of the 14th US Air Force (which is a descendant of the 1st American Volunteer Group aka “The Flying Tigers.”)

    308th Bombardment Group

  • This squadron flew the B-24J Interceptor (heavy bomber) which normally carried a crew of 7-10 men.
  • During 1943, the squadron was stationed at Chengkung Airfield in China.
  • According to the very limited records I’ve found so far, he died along with the following members of his crew:  Dale R. Anderson (2L / Illinois), Harvey Berman (2L / New York), Terry Lamar Humphries (TS / Louisiana), Wendell Guy Mettert (SS / Ohio), Raymond L. Paulina (SS / Pennsylvania).
  • A brief mention in the “West Bend News” (May, 24, 2006) says that Mettert was killed during a “bombing raid” on December 24, 1943.
  • According to this brief unit history, 18 B-24s of the 14th Air Force conducted a bombing raid over a Tien Ho satellite airfield on December 24, 1943.  One

    374th Bombardment Squadron

    B-24 was lost in the raid, which I presume was the plane carrying Harold Linihan and his fellow crewman.

  • I believe that the Tien Ho airfield was near what was then called Canton, now Guangzhou.

This is not much information and it does nothing to tell you about him as a young man, but perhaps there are other members of his family that know more and can keep his memory better than I’ve been able to do here.

I hope this post in some way honors Harold Linihan and all the others who served our country in defense of liberty, in defense of freedom, and to free other peoples from tyrannies that sought to oppress them.

 

We Are Many Parts

I am not quite sure what it is that I’m trying to convey with this particular post.  I suppose it’s more for my own memory than anything else.

Those of us who have been blessed with opportunities to travel the world, as I have been, sooner or later have one of those “a-ha!” moments when we personally experience what we call the “universality” of the Catholic Church.

These moments occur when we understand that the Church we belong to, and the faith we profess, is much bigger and richer than what we experience in our home parish.    We see and hear this all the time, but actually experiencing it is the real eye-opener.

My first such experience occurred on my first trip to Santiago Atitlan, Guatemala with students from the Newman Center.   I attended a Sunday Mass celebrated in a mixture of Spanish and T’zutujil Maya with a crowd of 2000 people that filled the church and spread into the plaza outside.   Although I couldn’t really understand what was being said, I still “knew” the Mass and could participate in it fully.  It’s a real rush to know that you really and truly belong to something much bigger than yourself.  Such experiences give you a new and broader perspective on being Catholic and in some sense your own place in the world.

I had another, yet different, sort of experience during my recent trip to Rome.   Several times during the week I spent there, I found myself immersed with pilgrims from different countries.  Totally unexpected and unplanned.

As I wrote earlier, my trip from the US to Rome was in the company of a group of Polish pilgrims from Chicago.  It was great to see not only their excitement to be going to Rome for the Beatification Mass, but also their devotion to Pope John Paul II as one of their countrymen.

Once I arrived in Rome, I spent the next several days with Fr. Roderick and the Dutch radio personnel and other pilgrims that were in and around the Friezen Church.   We all know that the state of the Church in The Netherlands and other parts of Europe is dire, but seeing and talking to these people, I still sensed a spark of faith in them.

The photo above is a group of French bloggers and journalists that Fr. Roderick and I had lunch with on the Monday following the beatification Mass.  We met them quite by accident when one of them recognized Fr. Roderick and invited us to tour Vatican Radio with them.  We had already been there, but that didn’t stop us from going again, or joining them for lunch at Pope Benedict’s favorite German restaurant!  They were very nice to speak English when they could, realizing that I don’t speak French.  It was very much appreciated!

At other times during the week, I spent time with my American colleagues and friends, conversed with nuns from a variety of orders and places, was introduced to a South African seminarian just days before his ordination as a transitional deacon, and met a New Zealander (or was he Australian?) working in young adult ministry in New York.

These random encounters with different nationalities continued even as I was leaving Italy to return home.  On the “Leonardo Express” train which took me from Rome’s Termini Station to Fiumicino Airport, I found a seat in a compartment of Spanish pilgrims.    As I spent my last minutes in Italy, I overheard them discuss the Beatification Mass, what it meant to them, and their desire to share their inspiration with the youth at home.   They were under no illusions about the enormity of their task, but yet they were willing to try.

And, how could I forget the Chinese-American women seated across the aisle from me?  During our flight home, she prayed a couple of rosaries and reflected on a set of prayer cards that she had with her.

I suppose one of the things that I’m trying to convey here is encouragement.  Going to Rome always inspires me.  Seeing people from around the world is encouraging and reminds me that in spite of all the problems that we face, both in the Church and in the world, there is reason to have hope.

If you’ve never been on a pilgrimage outside your own country, my encouragement to you is to go and open your mind to a new understanding of the universality of the Church.

Afterall, the word “catholic” means “universal” and we should embrace that!

A Silent Vigil

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Friday evening, after dinner with my friend Msgr. Mueggenborg, who works at the Pontifical North American College here in Rome, I had some time to kill before meeting up with Fr. Roderick.

I made my way back over to St. Peter’s Square and enjoyed some quiet time strolling on the piazza.  A large video screen at the entrance to the square has been displaying commemorative videos about Pope John Paul II’s pontificate and they were still showing although it was now almost 10 pm.

It’s a mesmerizing video, projected without sound, which recounts JPII’s important history of traveling the world.  Although I had seen parts of the video earlier, this night it drew me in and I was captivated by the memories that it brought back.

Slowly, as the video played, more and more people in the piazza were also drawn in and a crowd gathered in complete silence, a vigil of remembrance for Pope John Paul II.

As each year of his pontificate passed in turn, we saw the joy of the people he visited and remembered the messages that he delivered in all parts of the world.  In a short time, we also saw him age and the heartbreaking advance of his illness and infirmities.

The video ends with his death and funeral.  With a few tears and a collective sigh from our little group gathered in vigil, a quiet applause came as the crowd dispersed, deep in thought.

This was one of those unplanned moments, a shared experience among strangers.  But also one that those present will not soon forget.

Trading Days

Yesterday, Fr. Roderick and I were walking in one of the districts just outside of the Vatican when I saw this graffiti on an alley wall.

It immediately struck me as profoundly full of despair.  Would I ever want to trade all my tomorrows for one yesterday?  I hope I never feel that way.  I know that there will be bad days in the future, but I certainly have hope for wondrous days to come as well.  The Beatification of Pope John Paul II is hopefully one of those wondrous days.

The Catholic sentiment is absolutely the antithesis of this graffiti.  Through the Sacrament of Reconciliation you can trade all your yesterdays for the best of all tomorrows.

I hope the soul, who expressed the sad plea above, finds a better path.

The Journey to Rome

I made it safely to Rome yesterday and met up with Fr. Roderick Vonhogen, CEO of SQPN. Not too much to report other than a well deserved nap, some good pasta at a nearby restaurant, and a nightcap of some excellent tiramisu.

Usually, the journey to Europe is extremely tedious and something to be endured as part of the price to be paid to visit a wonderful city such as Rome.

This trip was not like that and I couldn’t have been more pleased.

The flight from Washington, DC to Rome included about 25 Polish Catholics from Chicago, traveling like me to the Beatification of Pope John Paul II.  They were a joyous group and fun to watch.

I sat next to a Polish couple, now living in Denver, who are just old enough to remember the Communist years in Kracow, but still young enough to appreciate the spirit of renewal that JPII brought to his country.

The young woman in the couple told me that she had never taken advantage of the opportunities she had to see or meet Karol Woytila, when he was Archbishop of Kracow.  Her journey to Rome for the beatification is in a sense to correct that and to honor his memory.

I was so glad, and lucky, to have the chance to sit and talk with them as we whiled away the time over the Atlantic.  Polish Catholics have always impressed me with their devotion to the Church.  I know that their society is increasingly under the pressure of secularization, so I take hope when seeing groups like these.

We are just beginning our time in Rome, so hopefully we will have more opportunities to share the experiences of other pilgrims here for this wonderful event.

There’s a forecast for rain this weekend, but I would be surprised if it dampens any of the spirit of those coming.

Pilgrimage to Rome

I am enormously privileged to be going to Rome this week and witnessing the Beatification of Pope John Paul II.

I’ve been to Rome several times before and saw Pope John Paul II on three occasions.

I took this photo standing alongside his popemobile route through St. Peter’s Square on May 18, 2000.   This was a special Mass commemorating his 80th birthday.   What a joyous occasion and we couldn’t  believe how close we were allowed to get.  I could have touched him (with a little help, perhaps).

I was there with about 25 students from the St. Philip Neri Newman Center at the University of Tulsa on the first of our yearly pilgrimages to Europe.

We returned to Rome four years later (May 2004) with another group of students and were even more blessed with chances to see JPII.

Somehow, I’m still not sure how this worked out, but we had the awesome privilege of attending the Mass for the canonization of six new saints  Luigi Orione, Hannibal Mary Di Francia, José Manyanet y Vives, Nimatullah Kassab Al-Hardini, Paola Elisabetta Cerioli, Gianna Beretta Molla.

You can get a sense of the joyful atmosphere and see the portraits of the new saints on the fascade of St. Peter’s Basilica. It was a bit like attending a football game with groups chanting and singing and sharing information about their favorite saint.  I had never heard of St. Gianna Beretta Molla before this day but was very moved to see her husband and daughter present the saint’s relics to the Holy Father.  Can you imagine what it must have been like for your wife or mother to be canonized as a saint!?  She has since become a favorite of mine and a true testament to the sanctity of life.

Even more astounding, a few days later we attended the pope’s weekly audience and had tickets to sit on the platform next to the altar.  Our bishop, Most Reverend Edward Slattery of the Diocese of Tulsa, was in Rome for his ad limina visit and secured these seats for our group.  What an honor and privilege to be so close to the Holy Father while he spoke.   It was difficult to get good photos from there and not cause a disruption, but here’s one that suffices.

It was a very sad day when he died, about a year after this trip.  What a tremendous library of writings and speeches he left us; and such a testimony and Christian witness during his final months.  Who doesn’t remember where they were during Holy Week of 2005 and the following weeks of his final decline, death, and funeral, followed by the Conclave of cardinals and the election of Pope Benedict?

It is enormously significant to me to be able to witness Pope John Paul II’s Mass of Beatification and to see Pope Benedict in person.  I can hardly believe that I’ll be there in a few days.

I will do my best to share my experiences as much as I can while in Rome.  I hope you’ll join me.

100 Words

I hope this post doesn’t come across as too weird or you think I’m finally off my rocker.

I often think that something totally random can also be poetic.  Take, for example, the list of the 100 most commonly used words in the English language, as determined by the Oxford English Dictionary.  (See this BBC article for more information.)

It occurred to me that if you take the words, in order of use, and add a little punctuation for emphasis, it turns out rather poetic.  Since I enjoy words in general, as does one particular reader of this blog, I thought I would share the resulting poem which I call “The Be To”

The Be To

Of, and a in, that have I
It, for not on, with he as you do.

At this, but his, by from they,
We say her.

She or an will, my one all
Would there their?

What so up out, if about?
Who get which, go me?

When make can, like time.
No, just him know.

Take people into year, your good.
Some could them see other than then.

Now, look only.

Come, its over.

Think also back after use.
Two how our work first well.

Way, even new want because.

Any these give day most us.

If you decide to call the guys in the white coats, be sure and let me know so I can have head start.

Catholic Media Promotion Day!

Today is the day that Catholic podcasters, bloggers, Facebookers, Tweeters, TV/radio hosts, webmasters, authors, publishers, … well everyone involved in Catholic media is helping to get the word out about what they do!

The Catholic Church is a very large entity in our world and there are many, many people who serve the call of the “new evangelization” by creating different forms of media related to their lives of faith.

You can find everything – people who are seeking answers, people who teach, people who preach, people who inform, and just plain ordinary people who share the examples of their lives with the outside world.

In honor of this first Catholic Media Promotion Day, here are esteban’s personal picks!

esteban’s three favorite blogs

Here are three Catholic blogs that seem to always catch my attention when there are new posts.  In no particular order …

  • St. Joseph Monastery Blog – written by the sisters of the St. Joseph Benedictine Monastery in Tulsa, Oklahoma.  I know several of these sisters and feel a kinship with them.  They operate the Monte Cassino middle school, which my mother attended in the late ’40s when it was also a high school.
  • another cup of coffee – written by my good friend Maria.  What can I say? She tells it like it is and shares from the deep recesses of her soul.  I wish I knew how to be as open as she is.
  • Snoring Scholar – written by Sarah Reinhard.  What I really appreciate about Sarah’s blog is that she seems to always remind me about the things I should be thinking about, like Lent.  Always the place to go when I need a reality check.

esteban’s three favorite Catholic websites

Here are three websites that I find myself returning to often.

  • SQPN – I know this is an obvious choice, since I work for SQPN, but since the latest revision to the site, I have learned a great deal more about Catholic media and Catholic communicators.  As the site continues to expand, I’m sure that I will spend even more time there.
  • Church of St. Mary – About a year ago, the Church of St. Mary in Tulsa, where I attend Mass, hired a communication director.  Great idea!  Since that time, the parish website has been expanded with all kinds of new information, blogs and relevant up-to-date information about the parish and its activities.  It has been a really useful tool.  It may not be the best parish website in the world, but it is a great improvement and I would encourage all parish webmasters to visit this site and steal … er, borrow … some of their ideas.
  • Missions – I have deep respect for the work of Catholic missions.  I’ve beenassociated with three different missions so far, two in Guatemala and one in Haiti.  Here are two mission websites that I visit often so I can keep abreast of the work they do.  San Lucas Mission in Guatemala, and the SOLT Kobonal Mission in Haiti.

esteban’s three favorite Catholic podcasts

Oh, wow.  I’m not sure I can pick just three podcasts.  There are so many great ones to choose from, but here are three of many:

  • SaintCast by Paul Camarata – I’ve been listening to Dr. Paul almost from the beginning.  His shows are almost like short audiobooks, complete stories of saints in small morsels.  His episodes are timeless and can be listened to over and over.  I think I’ll go do that right now!
  • iPilgrimPodcast – this is a brand new podcast, by my friend Deborah Schaben.  If you have any desire to walk the pilgrimage route along the Camino de Santiago de Compostela in Spain, you should listen to this show for all kinds of practical information.  (Disclaimer:  I’ve been a podsquatter on several of the latest episodes, so I guess I’m tooting my own horn a bit)
  • Busted Halo Cast – Fr. Dave Dwyer and his co-hosts have a great show directed towards young adults.  As a former campus minister, I have a heart for this age group and I find myself nodding along frequently with the advice he gives his listeners.  Recommend this to your college age and twenty-something friends.  I’ll also throw in a plug for In Between Sundays, a show for young adults by young adults.

esteban’s three favorite “other” Catholic media

I’m not exactly sure what I should put in this list, so this may seem quite random.

  • Anything written by Pat Gohn – I had the privilege of getting to know Pat last year and working with her on the 2010 Catholic New Media Celebration.  Pat has shown me what good writing is truly about.  I only thought I knew how to put words down.   Her writing is masterful, artful (if I was a good writer, I would know if that is redundant or not), and with a deep texture that draws you deep into what she is saying.  Find her A Word in Season column in the Catholic portal at patheos.com.  Go. now.
  • Nine Days That Changed The World – this is a documentary film about (almost Blessed) Pope John Paul II’s trip to Poland in June 1979.  This is a great filmabout those days and is a fascinating retrospective on the changes that followed and brought about the fall of the Soviet Union and communism in Eastern Europe.  The film is produced and narrated by Newt and Callista Gingrinch, so despite any political feelings you have about them, you should still see this film. Follow the link and watch the trailer.
  • iBreviary Pro Terra Sancta App – I have to be honest and say that I prefer the hardcopy four-volume books for praying the Divine Office / Liturgy of the Hours.  I guess I’m old school.  However, those books can be a bit hard to travel with and I always seem to forget to bring it when I’m away.  The iBreviary app for the iPhone and iPad are great alternatives.  I haven’t been brave enough to bring it to church yet as I’m afraid it might be distracting to others or be perceived as somehow scandalous.

esteban’s three “random” Catholic things

Some other random Catholic things that I like:

  • Visual Rosary – My friend Anthony Barber created a flash app for praying the rosary.  It has a visual representation of a rosary and as you click on a button, it will guide you through the praying of a rosary, along with meditations for the particular set of Mysteries you have selected.   I don’t use it myself for praying the rosary but it’s a good way to explain and teach about it to someone unfamiliar.  You can find it on the website of the St. Philip Neri Newman Center at the University of Tulsa.  Anthony is now involved with the Catholic Young Adult organization in the Diocese of Tulsa.  They have recently launched a new ministry call LivingLent.org.  It will help you stay committed to your lenten observances.
  • Fr. Stanley Rother – an Oklahoma diocesan priest who served many years as the pastor of the Oklahoma Mission in Santiago Atitlan Guatemala.  A cause for canonization for Fr. Rother was opened a couple of years ago.  Fr. Rother was murdered in his rectory by paramilitary agents of the then Guatemalan military regime.  I have a deep connection to Fr. Rother and his cause because of my relationship with the Catholic missions there and because his is Oklahoman.    Here are a few links where you can learn about Fr. Rother.
  • Catholic Volunteer Network – as a campus minister, I had several opportunities to work with graduating students looking to do domestic and international volunteering.  CNVS is a very helpful organization that helps match volunteer organizations with interested people.  If you know anyone who might want to do mission work, have them fill out a profile on cnvs.org and start discerning.

esteban’s other projects

As we come to the end of this long post, let me briefly tell you about the projects that I’m involved with.  In addition to all the good things going on over at sqpn.com …

  • everythingesteban.com – I write this blog whenever something appeals to me.  It might be directly related to Catholicism, or life in Oklahoma, or mission work, or …   When this particular post is released, I will be spending a week working at the SOLT Kobonal Mission in Haiti.  I intend to post articles, podcasts, photos and video about the trip.  So check back here is you’re interested.
  • tulsacatholic.com – this is a website that I maintain on a weekly basis with news and events of interest to the Catholics in the Diocese of Tulsa.  I subscribe electronically to the bulletins from our largest parishes and collate the information that may be interesting to a wider diocesan audience.
  • OntheU.com – this is the website of my “it’s not completely dead, it’s only mostly dead” podcast about Catholic college life.   There’s some good stuff there in the archives and I hope to someday revive it more fully.
  • Podsquatter – You can find me as a guest from time to time on other podcasts, such as iPilgrim Podcast, Catholic Weekend, and the Secrets of Star Trek.

Thank you for checking out my contribution to Catholic Media Promotion Day!  To reach the posts of other Catholic Communicators participating in this effort, jump on over to the  Facebook page for this.

Once Upon Our Lives (1955-1960)

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I’ve had a chance to delve further into my dad’s box of slides.  It is such a treat to transport myself back into time and see my family when we were all young.

The set of photos shown above are some of the better or more meaningful shots taken between 1955 and 1960.    During these years, my brothers Mark and Kevin are born and begin growing up with our eldest sister Christine.

I especially appreciate the shots with my grandfathers.  I never met my mother’s father, he passed away in 1959, I believe, not too long after the photo of him sitting in a lawn chair with Christine.

My other grandfather, my dad’s father, we called Pappy.  I got to know him very well and I miss him every day.   You’ll see him with glasses and a big smile.  He had a great way of interacting with everyone and treated even the smallest kids with personal attention, never dismissive.  I count him as one of the most influential people in my life and a great mentor.

Enjoy these shots, taken in Midland,Texas; Tulsa, Oklahoma; and Monument, New Mexico.

Have a look at the previous post in this series:
One Upon Our Lives (1951-1954)

I am intrigued

Over the weekend, I began removing the wallpaper from my dining area.    I’ve never redecorated this particular area and it’s starting to look pretty shabby.

I was dreading pulling the paper off partly because it commits me to finishing the project sooner rather than later.

Did I ever get a big surprise!  Look what was hiding  underneath!

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I’m pretty sure this hand painted artwork has been on this wall since the late ’60s when my house was built.

It’s pretty atrocious and will be soon obliterated by some blue paint, but I’ve been studying it for the past couple of days.

I’m intrigued!

Who painted it?  It’s the first real clue about any of the previous owners of my house.   What do you suppose the rest of the house looked like?  How long do you suppose the painting was displayed before being papered over?  Was the painting some old world tradition or some “new age” expression of the hippy era?

I’ll never know the answers to these questions, but it was a fun revelation.  It was a bit (OK, a tiny bit) like finding a lost mosaic hidden under the plaster of some ancient cathedral.

Now that these photos have been committed to the interwebs, I can now get back to painting with a clear conscience.

Besides, this was my “winter project” and since Spring is less than a month away, I’d better get to it.

I Miss … Mixtapes

I miss the old-style cassette mixtapes of the 80’s.  Seriously!

There’s a great description of mixtapes on wikipedia:

A mixtape, which usually reflects the musical tastes of its compiler, can range from a casually selected list of favorite songs, to a conceptual mix of songs linked by a theme or mood, to a highly personal statement tailored to the tape’s intended recipient. Essayist Geoffrey O’Brien has called the personal mixtape “the most widely practiced American art form”, and many mixtape enthusiasts believe that by carefully selecting and ordering the tracks in a mix, an artistic statement can be created that is greater than the sum of its individual songs, much as an album of pop music in the post-Beatles era can be considered as something more than a collection of singles.

The mixtapes that I had were like old friends.  On long cross country drives, there were only certain tapes that would do, tapes that would allow your mind to free itself and remind you of long lost friends and experiences.

Mixtapes were also a very personal way to express yourself to another person.  How many of us put together mixes for a loved family member or boyfriend/girlfriend?

The process of putting together a mix was almost as important as the finished tape itself.  Songs were played, chosen, rejected, and reordered to set just the right mood or sentiment.  Recording to tape required time and effort because you had to manually create the tape, one song at a time.

Burned CDs and iPod playlists are just not the same.  It’s too easy!  Dragging and dropping files just doesn’t have the same sense of thought and commitment.  They are too easily changed and replaced.

My favorite mixtapes took on their own unique character over time.  Imperfections in the tape, little mistakes in the recording process, the unavoidable and crushing damage caused by heat and time.

Mixtapes also had a lifespan.  We all knew that sooner or later our tape deck would eat our favorite tape and our friend would be gone, to be replaced by some other.

I guess there’s a life lesson in mixtapes.  To everything there is a season.  Things too easily replaced lack an honest and redeeming value.

(check out the “I Miss …” page for other stuff I miss, if you wanna)

Unless a grain of wheat …


I ran across this article on CNN.com and the accompanying video called “Dying for Life.” It all seems very strange to me, but the idea is to prevent people who are considering suicide from killing themselves. “We can’t understand death simply by talking about it. People truly experience death by participating in it and being reborn.”

Aside from the macabre ideas, I couldn’t help but be reminded about the following passage from the Gospel of John:

Amen, amen, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains just a grain of wheat; but if it dies, it produces much fruit.

Whoever loves his life loses it, and whoever hates his life in this world will preserve it for eternal life.

Whoever serves me must follow me, and where I am, there also will my servant be. The Father will honor whoever serves me. (John 12:24-26)

This passage seems to come up from time to time as I think about my life and where it is going. Perhaps it’s a midlife sort of thing, but I seem to have a frequent urge to drastically change my life, to take the road less traveled, to be that radical person who casts his cares aside to seek a different kind of future. A future that encompasses things that are not “what is normally expected.”

Most of the time I feel too cowardly to actually do anything like this. I wonder what it takes to get to that jumping off point and make that “leap of faith”?


To Be Salty

I have been privileged to know and to have worked with many fine priests.

One of my favorites is Fr. Jack Gleason, pastor of my home parish, the Church of the Madalene, in Tulsa.

Above all, his pastoral care in times of tragedy and trouble has been all I could ever have hoped for.

He is also that rare priest whose homilies frequently seem to bore right into your soul and speak to to you in that special way.  That way which gives you assurance that those words are from God and have particular meaning especially for you.

Fr. Jack’s homily last Sunday was one of those special moments and I wanted to record my thoughts about it while they are still fresh in my mind.

The Gospel reading for the 5th Sunday of Ordinary time (Year A), is from Matthew 5:13-16:

Jesus said to his disciples:
“You are the salt of the earth.
But if salt loses its taste, with what can it be seasoned?
It is no longer good for anything
but to be thrown out and trampled underfoot.
You are the light of the world.
A city set on a mountain cannot be hidden.
Nor do they light a lamp and then put it under a bushel basket;
it is set on a lampstand,
where it gives light to all in the house.
Just so, your light must shine before others,
that they may see your good deeds
and glorify your heavenly Father.”

I’ve heard and read this passage many times, but the way the Fr. Jack expounded on it really resounded in me.  I listened to the podcast recording of this homily again and I’m going to paraphrase some of what he said, along with some of my own thoughts.

Christ tells us that we are “the salt of the earth.”  But what does that really mean?  We know that salt is necessary for life.  We also know that salt has no purpose unto itself.   It is useful to flavor and preserve other things.

Christ calls us not to be just virtuous, but also to be “salt.”  That is, to “raise the level of the flavor in every human activity and therefore to transform it.”

“What is ordinary can be delightful if seasoned with joy,with fidelity, and with our good works.”

If salt loses its taste it becomes insipid (bland, without distinctive, interesting, or stimulating qualities).  Apparently, the word “insipid” shares some of the same Greek roots as the word “sophomore,”   (sophos wise + mōros foolish), literally meaning a wise fool.

So, to lose taste, to become bland, is to become foolish. A thing is wisest is when it most knows itself.  It tastes more like what it is meant to be.

“Wise salt” gives flavor to the world and helps preserve what is good.  “Foolish salt” has lost its taste and no longer heightens flavor and no longer preserves anything.  It can only be thrown out and trampled under foot.

Since salt is not for itself but gives flavor to other things, it is directed outward.  Christians likewise, in order to be “salty” are also called to be directed outward.  We are called to do something “out there.”  To do something for “them.”

Insipid, bland Christians are foolish Christians who have forgotten who they truly are.  They have forgotten their role in society.  They have become blended into secular culture and are just as bland as everyone around them.

When we say that someone is “salty,” we usually mean that he uses colorful language.  Even if his language is inappropriate, we would agree that he doesn’t blend in, rather he sticks out and is noticed.

We are called not to blend in but to bring life, to bring flavor, zest and joy of what it means to be a Christian into the world.  We are called to know who we are and not to forget our identity.  If we think like everyone else, act like everyone else, if you can’t tell any difference between us and every other person, what good are we?

When we are what we are meant to be, His salvation will resound throughout the world.  As Catholics, we must show the world who we are, what our distinctive flavor is, and not be afraid to show what makes us different.

Just so, your light must shine before others,
that they may see your good deeds
and glorify your heavenly Father.”

We cannot be the salt of the earth if we hide it from others.  To be salty is also to be the light set on a lampstand for all to see.

So, this leaves us with a new perspective on the Christian journey.  What makes you salty?  What is your distinctive flavor that God asks you to bring to the world?  What are you doing with it?

Why are you hiding?

Home for the Holidays

I haven’t blogged for a bit and this particular post has been rattling around in my head, so it’s time that I have it out.  I don’t know if you, dear reader, will find anything particularly profound in this account, but there is a deep and abiding profundity for me.

Background

The year 2010 was a difficult year for me, as have been the last few years.  I don’t wish to delve into those difficulties but it is important to know that, in December, it brought a certain reluctance for the coming holiday season.  I didn’t foresee any turmoil, more a sense of certain disappointment.

I had no big plans for Christmas or New Years, just a familiar gathering of my family, which while always nice, didn’t portend anything really memorable.  What few friends I have close-by had plans to be elsewhere with their own families.

So, I didn’t have any real expectations for anything other than the status quo ante of 2010.

Consolation

So now, I look back on the period from December 8, 2010 to January 8, 2011 as one of merciful consolation, with a certain amount of redemption, and a heaping bowl of gratitude.

I received many unlooked for gifts during this time.  The best kind of gifts, to be sure.

Feast of the Immaculate Conception

This tale begins on December 8th, the Feast of the Immaculate Conception.  One of my parishes, St. Mary’s, was hosting 40 Hours of Devotion – round the clock Eucharistic Adoration – beginning on Wednesday, December 8th and running until Friday, December 10th.   I’m a big fan of adoration, but haven’t done it regularly for awhile.  I decided to pick up an hour each day at 11:30am.

I began with Mass on the 8th, which also happens to be my mother’s birthday, and the anniversary of my First Communion.  So, it’s always a special day for me.

After Mass and for an hour on the next 2 days, I spent time in St. Mary’s chapel, alone with the Lord.  It was a great time to pray and enjoy the silence. (Of course, anyone familiar with Adoration knows that it’s really a deafening silence.)

Prior to this, I had been lamenting the fact that I hadn’t really embraced the Season of Advent, so this was a very good way to address that as well.

Those few hours really benefited me and centered me in a way that I hadn’t felt in some time.

Christmas Tree

On the 10th of December, my friend Whitney, who works for the Tulsa Housing Authority, called me and volunteered to help me decorate my house for Christmas.  She had just done the same at her office and was in the mood to share the Christmas spirit.

I haven’t decorated my house at Christmas for a couple of year because I rarely have any guests or visitors, but I acquiesced.

I am so grateful for this!  Following on the heels of my time in Adoration, I thoroughly enjoyed our little tree decorating event, along with a dinner of broiled fish and mashed potatoes.  Yes, I know, not really holiday food, but at least it was edible.  I give full credit to Whitney for kicking me out of my doldrums and setting the mood for the rest of the Christmas season.

Whitney has been a true friend since our days at the TU Newman Center.  I could always count on her to liven things up and make them so less serious than they might have otherwise been.   She’s the original “Cookie Girl” and often appeared on my “OntheU” podcast.

Aaron & Jordan Get Married, Patrick Comes to Visit

Aaron & Jordan Guernsey

A week later, on the weekend of the 17th-19th, my friends Aaron and Jordan were married.  They too were regular members of the OntheU crew and their wedding was a joyous occasion and gave me a good reason for me to be around the old Newman Center gang.

Pat Padley drove down for the wedding and stayed at my house for the weekend.  We’ve been friends for 6 years now and he too was one of the original OntheU co-hosts, from the very first episode.

Although this day was for Aaron and Jordan, it brought back together at least 30 Newman Center students and alumni, and for me, it was a wonderful homecoming.

Patrick Padley

The wedding Mass was celebrated by my favorite priest, Fr. Jack.  The Newman Choir, with both past and present members, sang many of the old songs and Mass parts, and it was such a benison to me, soothing away many of the pains that time and distance have inflicted.

A White Christmas

The next weekend, although completely different, was just as awesome and special.

John & Sophie

My good friends, John & Nadine White, had plans to drive from Omaha to Dallas, to spend Christmas with their family.  Since they currently have two small kids, Sophie (3 yrs) and Dominick (10 months), they asked if they could stay at my house one night, and break up their trip.

I was thrilled!  Sophie is my goddaughter and I hadn’t seen her for several months, and I always like spending time with John and Nadine.

John and I have a history that goes back to my earliest days at the Newman Center.  John was one of the first students that I really got to know.  He is from Odessa, Texas, not too far from my old hometown of Hobbs, New Mexico.   He and I have done some serious traveling together, back in the day.

John was part of the first trip I made to Guatemala.  He was part of a pilgrimage group that I helped lead to Rome the spring after he graduated, and along with some of his closest friends, we backpacked through Europe.  We also traveled through Greece and Turkey as part of another pilgrimage.  Later, while he was serving as a Christian Brothers volunteer in Peru, I was lucky to visit him and see the sites, including Machu Picchu.

Dominick & Nadine

It’s a great honor to be Sophie’s godfather, so having them stay with me was a real treat.   I enjoy seeing them in their early adulthood and building their family together.

It also made Christmas that much more special to have Sophie and Dominick at my house.  How can you not have the Christmas spirit with kids around?

Christmas Chili

If there was one sour spot to the whole Christmas season it was unfortunately Christmas Eve Mass.

My aunt likes to go to Christmas Eve Mass at our local Augustinian Prep School – Cascia Hall.  It’s a great school, but I despise going to Mass there.  It’s an awful thing to say, I know, but I always leave there very disappointed.

The Mass was completely packed  with the upper crust of Cascia society – students, parents and alumni, but there was little participation in the Mass.  No singing, no recitation of prayers, and much gazing about to see who else was there.

But go, we did nonetheless.

Christmas Day was a much better experience.  My aunt, my sister, a family friend and my brother-in-law gathered for our traditional Christmas chili, blueberry pie, and ice cream.

I know that chili probably doesn’t sound very traditional to most folks, but we grew up with it, and it was a way to lessen the burden on my parents when we were kids.

Besides, I make a mean pot of chili.  You can get the recipe in this post.

A Return Visit

So what happens after Christmas?  People go home, which means that I had a return visit from the Whites as they made their way back to Omaha.  It was a short visit, but still very enjoyable.  They were a little worse for wear, being on the rode with two small kids for over a week, but they were surviving.

Tanner & Marissa Get Married!

The first week of January was probably the most special part of this whole period.   Two more Newman Center alumni, Tanner & Marissa, were getting married on the 8th of January at Christ the King Church.

Christ the King, Tulsa

CTK is a very beautiful church, built in an art deco style and full of stained glass and mosaics.  It also happens to be the church where my parents were married, my sister Christine was married, and where my brother Kevin was married.

Tanner had asked me some days before if he could stay at my house the week before the wedding, to have some space to himself in the midst of all the final preparations.

So once again, my spare room came into service.

I loved having Tanner at my house and I was also happy to do some little tasks to help out with the wedding preparations.  During the week, I helped him finish the wedding program, had copies made and gave myself blisters as I folded and stapled them.  It was a lot more work than it needed to be, but in the end, they looked really nice.

The couple had asked me to be a reader during their wedding Mass, so I was pleased to

Cheesecake Tarts!

attend their rehearsal and dinner on Friday night, the 7th.

I really like how they did this.

I’ve been to some very formal and some very informal rehearsal dinners.  Tanner and Marissa, in order to be able to spend time with more of their friends, just had pizza brought into the parish hall, had some wonderful desserts, and had a slideshow of photos to entertain folks.   Perfectly acceptable and perfectly enjoyable!

Wedding & Reception

Fr. Matt, Tanner, Marissa, Fr. Brian

Tanner and Marissa’s wedding was fantastic and very much the Newman Center reunion that Aaron and Jordan’s had been.

The celebrants were Fr. Brian O’Brien, president of Bishop Kelley High School, and Fr. Matt Gerlach, chaplain of the Newman Center.

The place was packed with family and friends, the Newman Choir sang, and it was a very special time.  I am very humbled to have been a part and so glad that I could attend.

Wedding Reception @ John Rucker Warehouse

The reception was incredible!  It was basically held in a car garage, an old building in downtown Tulsa that holds a collection of antique cars.  Decorated with lights, tables, chairs, and a live band, and voila!

It took me a whole day to recover!  I arrived after the wedding at 3:30pm and didn’t leave until after 10pm.  More than 6 hours and I’m sure I have some permanent hearing damage!

Nonetheless, it was a terrific time and a perfect way to end a stellar month of celebration.

Strength

A Treasured Gift!

There is more that I could add to this long list of events, but I think I will end it here with some reflection.

The Christmas season was a blessing to me and having the chance to reconnect with so many of my “Newman” family couldn’t have come at a better time.

I’ve been rejuvenated in a new way and it has given me strength for the upcoming year.

I’ll close with a photo of the gift that Tanner and Marissa gave me for participating in their wedding.  I’ve only had it a short while now, but I already treasure it.

I’m sure that Tanner picked this out because he understands what a struggle these past couple of years have been.  Loss of a mission, loss of a job, difficult decisions and uncertain futures.  New missions, new job, new futures and new milestones.

The sentiment on the cross proves to me that he gets it.  And that is the healing that comes with the joy of all the opportunities I had to be “home” for the holidays.

Strength lies in submission which permits one to dedicate his life through devotion, to something beyond himself. – Henry Miller

Ubiquitous Pen Cup

We all have them.

The ubiquitous pen cup.

Mine is a nifty ceramic cup that I bought in Mexico City, near the Aztec pyramids of Teotihuacan.  But that’s another story …

Tell me, are you’re just like me, or am I a bit to obsessive?

You see, even though I have several nice pens to choose from in this convenient cup on desk, there is only one pen that I really want to use.  So, I will paw through the contents of this cup until I find the one pen.

It may have something to do with being left-handed.  Finding a good pen for left-handed writing is not as easy as it seems.  You righties out there have the luxury of pulling your pen across the paper.  Since we lefties push our pens, a sharp fine pointed pen will often dig into the paper, making for very poor penmanship and a higher level of frustration.

A proper left-handed pen, in my opinion, will glide smoothly over the page when pushed.

My current favorite?  Pilot G-2 10pt (Medium), blue ink.  I accept them as gifts, just so you know.

I know I should just get rid of the other pens in the cup and only stock the G-2.  That just seems too wasteful to me.

Can I send them to you?

Thoughts in a time of cholera

Current Situational Map of Cholera in Haiti

For the past year I have been part of a group planning to travel to the Society of Our Lady of the Most Holy Trinity (SOLT) mission in Kobonal, Haiti.  We are currently scheduled to go in early November, but as you no doubt know, there is currently an outbreak of a very virulent form of cholera in parts of the country. (A recent update on the situation can be found here, an explanation of the disease can be found here.)

Obviously, this has us greatly concerned and we are monitoring the situation as closely as possible and are in constant communication with the mission.  We will no doubt be making a go/no-go decision sometime in the next few days, as the situation warrants. (One site of particular benefit so far has been BioSurveillance, who made the map above.)

As someone who has taught classes on social justice and thinks about these issues often, I find my mind wandering in many different directions concerning this terrible outbreak and our planned trip.

If you read my previous post about “practical solidarity,” you might understand what I mean when I say that I’m not particularly concerned about contracting cholera should I go to Haiti in the next few days.  I am confident that I have access to all the things I need to prevent exposure to the bacteria, and should I get it, to the resources needed to treat the disease and secure evacuation back to the United States.

That comes with being an American with the means to go to Haiti in the first place.  The injustice in this is the situation facing the people of Haiti.  It is an incredibly poor country in the first place, devastated by an enormous earthquake just 9 months ago, and now facing a cholera outbreak presumably caused by recent heavy rains that contaminated the rivers which provide water.  What an injustice for a people to be continually beaten down by such circumstances?

I have the luxury of making the decision not to go, not to put myself in any sort of peril because of this situation.  That’s the easy choice to make.  Except that it’s not.

My decision to become a part of this group and go to Haiti was prompted by a deeply placed yet inchoate sense of mission.  I’ve made almost 20 trips to Central America over the past 10 years and it has left me with a desire to do something, to make some contribution to the work of the Church in those mission areas.

When I first met Fr. Glenn Meaux of the SOLT mission in Kobonal, it didn’t take me long to decide to be part of the group going to assist his work.  (Learn about the mission here.)  The work he is doing is so important to the people there and I would like to use my meager skills to be of some assistance, if I can.

It is frustrating to contemplate postponing our trip again (we delayed going last April because of the January earthquake), but I completely understand the reasons why we must consider it.

I hope we can still go.  I hope we can be of service to the people of Kobonal.  But, not because I will it, but because God wills it.  It is frustrating to wait for the “perfect time” to go, when I feel there will never be a “perfect time” in a country like Haiti.

I’ll let ya know.